We were watching a show last night, and the starring couple had an unexpected positive pregnancy test. While they panicked on the screen, I felt something stir deep inside me: that ache you get when you hear about pregnancy tests and new babies. I got hit with baby fever. It slammed into me so hard I almost told Hubs we should race to the bedroom to get started again right then and there. But then I remembered we’re done having children; our family is complete. So why am I sad?
Please don’t hate me, but I’m one of those people that loves almost everything about pregnancy. It took us a while (it felt like forever to me) to get pregnant both times, so that just made the experiences even more special. Do you remember the feeling you get when you finally get that little plus sign after peeing on those awful sticks for months? And then you get to actually grow a tiny human inside your body (or in my case with our last pregnancy – two at once!). You get to hear their heartbeats, feel them kicking, and I have yet to see a woman who couldn’t rock that adorable baby bump.
Then the babies come out, and they are the most adorable tiny little ones. There’s just something about babies that is so magical. They smell like heaven. That scent is the most addictive crack out there for a mom. One whiff of a new baby’s head can jumpstart any momma’s uterus. Their little coos and brand new giggles are the greatest sound in the world.
And all those firsts that you get to watch them do! The first smile, and the first giggle. First time they can hold their own head up. First time they roll over. First tooth. Crawling. Walking. Eating solids. First words! It’s those little milestones that mommas thrive on and obsess over.
I feel like my body was put on this earth to grow tiny humans, and now I’m done with that. I won’t be pregnant again. I’m so grateful that I was able to have the experiences that I did. I know some women have yet to (or can’t) carry a baby. My heart hurts just thinking about that. I just miss being pregnant.
I don’t miss the swollen ankles, or barely being able to move around towards the end of the pregnancies. I don’t miss having to wake up my husband in the middle of the night to help me finish rolling over because I got stuck on my back like a turtle (yes, that actually happened, more times than you might think). I don’t miss the heartburn or the back aches. Or labor.
I also don’t miss the midnight, 2 a.m., 4 a.m., and 6 a.m. feedings. I don’t miss the explosive diapers. I don’t miss the formula and the bottles.
We had a rough start trying to grow our family. We had a miscarriage first, and then it took some time before we had our son. Life was perfect with just the three of us. When we decided we were ready for more, that we wanted one more baby, we got the shock of our lives when we found out it was really TWO babies in there. We decided that our family was complete.
When I had the twins, the doctor did what she needed to in there to make sure I couldn’t get pregnant again. I don’t regret this decision. Our hands are full, our house is full, and our wallets are empty. Our hearts are bursting beyond capacity. Our family is perfect just the way it is.
Our oldest will be 4 this summer. His body is getting so tall and lean. His vocabulary is taking leaps and bounds. Every day he astounds me with something new (in a good way, most days). He’s no longer a baby or a toddler. He’s a boy now. I love watching him figure things out. We’ve still got plenty of firsts ahead of us: first day of school, first girlfriend (eek!), and watching him become a man. That’s plenty of excitement right there.
Our girls are a year and a half old. We’re still looking forward to potty training and no diapers. To teaching them new words, and how to use a spoon. And I don’t even want to think about first boyfriends and proms and weddings yet. I might have a panic attack.
So while I’m ridiculously happy watching my children grow up, and I’m excited to find out what’s in store for them in life, I’m just a little sad. I’m a little sad that I’ll never be pregnant again, that I’m done growing tiny humans. It’s really one of life’s greatest experiences, and I miss it a little.
I never saw this baby fever coming. Our family is perfect and complete, but I still feel that yearning deep inside me. I need to go visit someone with a new baby so I can get a hit of that newborn smell to satisfy this craving. And I’m sure the all-night feedings will snap me out this. I like getting to sleep now!
Plus, it’s like an era of our lives is over. The trying to conceive, the pregnancy, the newborn stages – it’s all done. We’re past that. Now we’re in the homeowners, bigger family car, school researching stage. There’s no doubt about it now – we’re adults. And truth be told, it makes me feel a little old.